What's Really Important
One warm summer evening a mother was driving with her three young children. A woman in the convertible in front of them stood up and waved. She was STARK NAKED. As the mother was reeling from shock, the five year old said, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, "Mommy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle."
A policeman was taking a vandalism report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six year old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, "Are you a policeman?"
"Yes, I am," he said.
"My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that right," the girl asked.
"Yes it is," said the policeman.
The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, "OK, then, would you tie my shoe?"
At the end of the day, a policeman parked his van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his dog started barking. The policeman looked up to see a puzzled looking little boy. "Is that a dog you have back there?"
"Yes, it is," said the policeman.
"What'd he do?"
When I worked for an organization which delivered meals to the elderly, I would take along my four year old daughter. She was always fascinated by the appliances of old age - canes, walkers, wheelchairs, etc. One day I saw her staring at a set of false teeth in a jar. She said to me, "The tooth fairy will never believe this."
A mother was ironing the clean laundry one day. Her son asked her, "Mother, why are you ironing those clothes?"
His mother said, "To make them nice and wrinkle free."
Her son said, "Then, why don't you iron Grandma's face?
Children and Childbirth
The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics
One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.
The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.
It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.
What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?
You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.
Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.
Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.
My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.
What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? It shrinks two sizes.
It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.
1:Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
2:That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.
3:Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
4:Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)
5:Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
6:Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)
7:Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)
8:Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
There are 5 houses in 5 different colors. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same beverage.
Somebody owns a fish. The question is: who?
The Brit lives in the red house.
The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
The Dane drinks tea.
The green house is on the left and next to the white house.
The green homeowner drinks coffee.
The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
The man living in the center house drinks milk.
The Norwegian lives in the first house.
The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
The man who keeps the horse lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
The owner who smokes Bluemaster drinks beer.
The German smokes Prince.
The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
The man who smokes Blends has a neighbor who drinks water.